Alas, another list of things. Things for growth, or maybe lack of growth. But, maybe by admitting the rules I break, I am in someway growing. I mean isn’t the first step admitting you have a problem?

These list posts are the number one most viewed on the internet right now. I’m totally making that number up, but honestly every site suggests using this type of setup. They’re easy to read and give the viewer ideas in ways for growth as a person. Which, is so in right now. So, what about the rules one doesn’t follow? Whether on purpose or not, we’re not perfect and we don’t have the ability to add every single habit we read on the internet into our everyday lives. On the other hand, there are those social constructs that aren’t spelled out in lists but are total pressure inducing ideas introduced through memes and every day talk. So, without further ado, here are the things that are not in my daily habit.

1. I don’t let my relationship status define me

In a world where everything hangs on your relationship status, there are memes about bae goal, talk about what you’d do if you had a bae, dream dates with bae, etc. There are also an inundation of photos of relationships, who even knows if these relationships are real or the people are happy? But were forced to think we’ll be better in a relationship.

I’ve never been in a relationship. For some reason I’ve always been better on my own. I’m not good at sharing myself. Yes, that may be growth I need. I would love having someone to share my ilfe with, but that has to be when I’m ready. For some reason, the images and memes of people together being all happy doesn’t resonate with me. Maybe I’m a heartless bitch, but it’s one rule that I don’t mind breaking daily.

2. I doth protest too much

You know that saying, “lady doth protest too much”? Yeah, that’s me. I let you know my opinion on things. I keep everyone in the loop on what’s going on inside my head. You’re never guessing with me. Well, at least I make it seem like I don’t keep you guessing.

3. I doth protest nothing

I would definitely say I’m a Bethenny Frankel/ Chelsea Handler type. I’m outspoken and loud mouthed, making it seem like my hearts on my sleeve, but when it comes down to it. I keep most of my deepest thoughts and scariest emotions close to me. I don’t let people know I have self esteem or body confidence. I like to make it seem like I have it all together, and if I don’t have it all together that I’m aware and it’s not getting to me. But on the inside I’m a fucking marshmello. If you get passed my armor and false confidence I’m easily broken.

4. I love to hate myself

Now this is a complicated one. There are so many things I love about myself. I’m empathetic, funny self aware, well spoken, mature, good at taking care of myself. But there are some things I really hate about myself as well. I hate my weight, my outspoken nature, my audible level, my snarkiness, my pessimistic ideas. I think overall, no matter how many characteristics I can identify about myself that are good, I can’t help but let the negative outweigh the positives. Overall, I think I hate myself more that love myself. And, that’s hard to admit. But, it’s true.And anyone who’s met me might be surprised from the way I carry myself, the things that I say, my fuck it attitude. On the inside though, I’m shitting myself.